Becoming Bitter

I don't get invited

Spare Ragini or Qurrat,

I make the plans

I ask for time

I make the phone call

I don't get asked if I can come to meet

And blame this on what you will,

But even if my friends have conceived these notions

That I am an infinitely planned busy person

I never get asked to come

The only people asking for my time anymore are sexual predators

My straight girlfriends don't understand,

In a series of outings and endless social gatherings,

Despite their love and warmth,

I've continued to feel like an outsider

Something they may never realise

Which is perhaps, why it is so easy to continue to go

To spaces designed for their social movements

Not that I don't choose several of those spaces myself as well;

I do. I really do. My reasons are mainly my friends

And most-likely karaoke

Perhaps, they realise this and thus, choose

To not continue to invite me

Since I may be so unwelcome in these spaces

Perhaps, them not bothering whether I would like to hang out or not

Is in fact, their love and protection 

However, even in these unwelcome straight gatherings

I stay to the corners and edges

Because no normal person is going to be interested in me

And so in the corners are the creeps - the only people who would pay any attention to me

And in a craving for validation, I would return that attention

And that may explain my situation and exes

So, even if I ever want to go to a queer gathering

Where the normal is different 

Cause otherwise the normal was to be attracted to my girlfriends

And how could any normal person be around me?

I am becoming bitter

And I have to beg and plead

For company to my interests and safe spaces

And I am becoming bitter

Because I would simply run at the first welcome to an uncomfortable space

Because I feel so rejected, that even the worst invitation

Is an invitation

Perhaps I should take the hint,

While Freya and Trisha may love me

And have already gone to the ends of the world for me

I am now someone

That effort and time must not be made for

I am simply that extra baggage friend

And that Chanda should not have to feel guilty for having her own life

I got left behind

And I would be busy

And I would be uncomfortable

And I took too much advantage

And I am essentially not good company

I am the past and our friendship has evolved past my needs

And I am bitter

In the end, what I must say is

I seek your forgiveness

For I may not know how to forgive

And you may not be guilty

But I am bitter

And I miss you