Self-reflection 2.0
It's difficult for me to admit most things, particularly thing about me that aren't very pleasant. The truth is, I'm a little lost. There's a sense of purpose that used to consume me, not because I was driven, but mostly because I faced obstacles, and that in a way is being driven, but perhaps being supported makes you lose your drive.
This year, I've done some pretty extra ordinary things, and I'm not trying to be proud or conceited, it's simply that doing things sometimes makes you question, questions that do not have answers, or questions you don't even ask yourself. I've honestly been lucky and supported this year, from a lot of forces that drive my life, but all this support and experience (for lack of a better word) has made me question nothing and everything at the same time. I am grateful for what I have received this year, but I am also that much more lost.
I've had the opportunity to be trusted with an entire play, that in all honesty does not inspire my existence in every way possible - and what is art for the sake of art eventually? As I look for meaning on something that I've been given, I do not find anything I can not see or even think of looking for. I do understand that not everything needs to have meaning, but what is the point of existence if there is no meaning to it?
And this question I ask in the larger framework of my own life. What is the point of existence if there's no larger meaning to it? What is the Lion King, if I can't find my voice within it? What am I - if I'm lost?
Having also travelled to two very different countries and societies this year, I've been exposed to ideas and ways of life, both enriching and discomforting. I've seen and met people, so different from each other (and perhaps similar after all), but I've not found myself able to connect to anything, not in a growing country or in an apparently liberal and 'developed' country. It's not that I feel alone or free, I feel purposeless, and then again, perhaps that is the true essence of freedom - sans purpose, sans regret.
In a chaotic, colourful and cultural country like Egypt, I found what I had known, but could never realised and in France I found newer dynamics and operations of life, but nowhere in this apparent idea of progression did I find myself - not even in India or home.
What this makes me realise is that most definitely I've grown too comfortable with my habitation, and have nothing consumingly new to take my existence, but does that mean I've lived out my purpose? Or does that simply mean I need to get out of my comfort zone, and then how?
These questions I've neither asked nor answered, I know that perhaps there is an answer somewhere, but I don't know to which question itself. I do assume, I'm not alone in this either, that there might be other 'youngsters' or middle aged people or of any age for that matter, that might be unable to find their calling and purpose or to find their questions. But I find it difficult for myself, despite having received so much support and opportunity this year!
I can now understand what my dad might be facing in his mid-life crisis, unable to find the true purpose of his work or self (interchangeable in his mind perhaps) or how his experience in a way limits him to repeating what he already knows. s that the answer though? To repeat till we find something within ourselves?
Then think of the expectations you've created for yourself, and truths you've created that now appear to be lies or false promises. What can someone being appreciated and supported try to do in order to question themselves or their comfort zone or their existence.
It's really really hard. And scary.
This year, I've done some pretty extra ordinary things, and I'm not trying to be proud or conceited, it's simply that doing things sometimes makes you question, questions that do not have answers, or questions you don't even ask yourself. I've honestly been lucky and supported this year, from a lot of forces that drive my life, but all this support and experience (for lack of a better word) has made me question nothing and everything at the same time. I am grateful for what I have received this year, but I am also that much more lost.
I've had the opportunity to be trusted with an entire play, that in all honesty does not inspire my existence in every way possible - and what is art for the sake of art eventually? As I look for meaning on something that I've been given, I do not find anything I can not see or even think of looking for. I do understand that not everything needs to have meaning, but what is the point of existence if there is no meaning to it?
And this question I ask in the larger framework of my own life. What is the point of existence if there's no larger meaning to it? What is the Lion King, if I can't find my voice within it? What am I - if I'm lost?
Having also travelled to two very different countries and societies this year, I've been exposed to ideas and ways of life, both enriching and discomforting. I've seen and met people, so different from each other (and perhaps similar after all), but I've not found myself able to connect to anything, not in a growing country or in an apparently liberal and 'developed' country. It's not that I feel alone or free, I feel purposeless, and then again, perhaps that is the true essence of freedom - sans purpose, sans regret.
In a chaotic, colourful and cultural country like Egypt, I found what I had known, but could never realised and in France I found newer dynamics and operations of life, but nowhere in this apparent idea of progression did I find myself - not even in India or home.
What this makes me realise is that most definitely I've grown too comfortable with my habitation, and have nothing consumingly new to take my existence, but does that mean I've lived out my purpose? Or does that simply mean I need to get out of my comfort zone, and then how?
These questions I've neither asked nor answered, I know that perhaps there is an answer somewhere, but I don't know to which question itself. I do assume, I'm not alone in this either, that there might be other 'youngsters' or middle aged people or of any age for that matter, that might be unable to find their calling and purpose or to find their questions. But I find it difficult for myself, despite having received so much support and opportunity this year!
I can now understand what my dad might be facing in his mid-life crisis, unable to find the true purpose of his work or self (interchangeable in his mind perhaps) or how his experience in a way limits him to repeating what he already knows. s that the answer though? To repeat till we find something within ourselves?
Then think of the expectations you've created for yourself, and truths you've created that now appear to be lies or false promises. What can someone being appreciated and supported try to do in order to question themselves or their comfort zone or their existence.
It's really really hard. And scary.
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